Will you be my friend?
It’s effortless for a 4-year-old in a sandbox to make a new friend. As adults, however, making new friends and finding time to nurture old ones can feel difficult. Building and maintaining friendships requires intention, effort, and a mindset that values platonic connection.
I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Marisa G. Franco, a leading researcher on friendship. Our conversation refreshed my appreciation for friendships and filled my science-geek brain with practical, research-backed insights about why friendship matters, how to make friends, and how others really perceive us.
In this engaging interview you’ll learn:
- Surprising statistics on loneliness, including the three types of loneliness—and why only one is relieved by a spouse.
- Why it’s time to reclaim dignity for friendship and treat it as essential to health.
- What research says about rejection and what people truly want from a friend.
- The simple first step both kids and adults can take to form new friendships—straight from a psychologist.
- Practical strategies to create space in a busy schedule for new and lasting friendships.
- How to support children in making and keeping friends.
- Technology’s complex role: Dr. Franco calls its overall effect a “net negative,” yet we discuss ways to use tech to support connection.
Dr. Franco even offers a two-minute homework assignment at the end of the interview that can shift how you approach time with friends. You’ll come away with a new, research-informed mindset that makes it easier to prioritize friendship.
Can’t see the video? Watch The Science of Friendship on YouTube.
If you’re short on time, here are the key notes from the interview.
The Science of Friendship
- 0:20: Introduction — a conversation with Dr. Marisa Franco about friendship for adults and children.
- 2:30: Dr. Franco’s journey — she originally believed romantic love was the only valuable love, then discovered the deep, worthwhile nature of platonic relationships and made friendship the focus of her research.
- 4:22: Why friendship matters for health — loneliness has been linked to health risks comparable to smoking many cigarettes a day, so friendship deserves greater attention in health conversations.
- 7:30: How to grow intentional friendships — relationships don’t simply appear; they require initiative. Consider who you already know that you could connect with more deliberately.
Research tells us we’re less likely to be rejected than we think! -Dr. Marisa Franco
- 9:33: Rejection anxiety is often exaggerated. Many people are lonely too, so inviting someone for coffee or a walk carries little risk—and assuming others like you makes you appear more open and approachable.
- 12:28: Where to find friends — with more people working from home and parents staying home with children, communities and routines have shifted. Dr. Franco offers practical starting points for building social circles.
- 14:41: The three levels of loneliness — 1) intimate closeness (a spouse or best friend), 2) a circle of friends, and 3) membership in a larger group pursuing shared goals. Each level requires different types of relationships.
- 16:50: Local friends matter — even if they aren’t your closest confidants, having people nearby for face-to-face connection is vital.
- 18:02: Children faced unique social disruption over recent years from school closures and virtual learning. Teaching kids to help others feel included increases their sense of belonging.
Teaching your kids to make people feel like they matter is how you teach them to make friends. -Dr. Marisa Franco
Or find out more about the free knife class.
- 20:27: Parents can help children make friends by creating environments that allow regular, unplanned interactions and opportunities for vulnerability—these conditions foster strong bonds.
People report the most desirable trait in a friend is how much they make them feel like they matter. -Dr. Marisa Franco
- 22:35: When you join a group, take initiative—don’t assume others will approach you. Engage, start conversations, and show up mentally present.
- 23:15: Encouragement for introverts and reserved people — showing up in small, manageable ways can still build meaningful connection.
- 25:10: Food as social glue — sharing meals creates generosity and shared experiences, making food a powerful tool for building community.
- 27:05: Technology’s mixed impact — some children substitute digital connection for in-person contact and become lonelier, but technology can also facilitate community when used intentionally.
- 28:49: Dr. Franco outlines the ways technology can harm empathy and connection—valuable points to discuss with teens who are active on social media.
If I were to make an argument about technology and its effect on connection, it would be a net negative. -Dr. Marisa Franco
- 31:30: Technology isn’t all bad, but children and teens need guidance to use it well so it supports, rather than replaces, real-world relationships.
- 33:00: A simple, research-backed “quick win” is offered at the conclusion of the interview—an actionable step you can take today to strengthen friendships.
Resources We Mention on Friendship
- Stress relief tips for moms
- Tips for building connection with middle schoolers
- Posture and technology
- Screen time guidelines for teens
- Better screen time strategies
- Dr. Franco’s free quiz to assess friendship strengths
- Follow Dr. Franco on Instagram
- Information about Dr. Franco’s speaking engagements
- Dr. Franco’s book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends
Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist and national speaker who translates scientific research into practical insights that change lives. She serves as a professor and is the author of the bestselling book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends.